now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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