hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize