Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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