Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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