There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
