Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
