Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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