Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
