But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
