Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
