they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
