I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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