Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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