I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
