How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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