Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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