Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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