he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
