remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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