I want to stick my p in your. b.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
