My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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