Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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