He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Of course I have a pirate flag
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
