I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you didnt know i had herpes?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Randomize
