you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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