I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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