you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
