If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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