yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
