HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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