I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
