I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
