Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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