i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
