A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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