I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
this just has baby written all over it
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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