The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
