Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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