Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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