I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
