M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
me + whiskey = a bad person
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
