When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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