i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
