i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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