My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
