I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
