You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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