You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Someone signed my nipple.
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