How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
