If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
