I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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