i don't like sucking hair
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
