I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
