You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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