just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
