I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
