hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
