I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
