There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
