I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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