I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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