Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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