21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
