Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Still dying that you shit outside
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
