I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
